static

I am sitting up way past bedtime, my head abuzz, sleep impossible. My doc upped my dose of Wellbutrin today, perhaps that’s it. I’m Generation RX I am, Generation RX I am I am….

Pink Floyd serenades me right now and indeed I do feel like I’m on the dark side of the moon. There’s someone in my head but it’s not me….

My whole shiny happiness has been upended. I am recently separated from my husband (see cast of characters for a still-relevant description of him) and on my own with the kids most nights while we both reassess our lives as individuals, as a couple, as parents. The whole dynamic that created stasis and chaos in our family (you thought it was all shiny happy??) has got to stop. STOP. We both know and accept this, but, of course, changing old patterns, habits….easier said than done. I’m clinically depressed, and convinced as well that he is too (though he hasn’t been diagnosed), and we both pretty much hate our jobs. Our house is too small, the backyard is laced with landmines of dog shit, and we can’t seem to overcome the living paycheck to paycheck disease that admittedly afflicts many many people.

I want a bigger house and chickens. I want horses and a proper vegetable garden. Dammit.

And though I am, by nature, a diehard idealist, I’m not looking for perfection. I’m not under any delusion that separation and working on our own shit will mean that he and I never fight. Never fighting isn’t even the goal, although I used to believe it was. My former husband and I pretty much never fought past the first couple of years of our marriage. Of course, he was an alcoholic who couldn’t hold a decent job, so I guess we had our problems. But I digress.

I just want to spend my time creating. I want to find and explore something bigger than myself. A desk job followed by the mundane evening ritual (homeworkdinnerbathbed…) is positively demolishing my soul. I want to see that edge…you know, the EDGE. This is all too safe and suburban. A good friend of mine is helping put an end to FGM in Africa thanks to a job I helped her get at the place where I USED to work. And me? My job got phased out and I landed up using a business loan to buy groceries until my current employer finally got around to hiring me. $5000 later, we made it, but I’m still paying off last summer. Bitter? Me?

No, just tired of the static, the uninspiring.